What did I do?

Oh No!

Is it that bad?

No, it’s not even true.

Probably infatuation?

Worse than that?

Haha hold up…am panting but am not even running, can it be an emotional race?

“The dams broke” and at that moment they did.

Is this it? No it’s too easy…

….but you smiled while texting.

I do that with everybody….my mum…dad…

No, not with this one!

What you’re saying is, it’s done I can’t undo it?

When was the last time you felt like this?

Probably never…..ah with ‘you know who’.

So why you doubting it?

Cause I didn’t expect it. Too fast? Unequally yoked? Is that it? noo but I was….

… denying it?

Yes but, that was true then. Though now it’s everywhere,I can’t keep it together……

You were denying it cause you were not ready.

That means am ready now?

I never said that,but worth the shot.

No. Not according to my plans,I was to build myself, find a home,go back to school….

Do the dishes? Flower the dead plant? Visit a burial site….blah blah the more you deny it the worse it gets.

You mean there is more to this? Forever?

Unless he die…..

Shut up. Not even funny…..

Ok just say it….

Say what?

The words,or just tell him.

And get this stitched heart broken again?

Not with this one.

How would you know? You don’t even know….

I don’t need to.

Oh,no, what did I do?

You fell in love sweetheart.



Oh damn! Compliments

Oooh Stoop You!

Am sitted in my work shop,bored senseless cause the data network keeps on buffering. This good looking, (let’s give him some credit) Islamic gentleman walks in.

“Good morning”

“Good morning to you”

He starts to advertise his line of work when suddenly he stops mid sentence. By this time I have placed my phone aside, crisscrossed my legs attentively listening. We do a stare battle for what feels like hours, he smiles and says ” You Are Very Beautiful”

In a split second my mind clears, gets foggy,blank again,I then become so nervous, i uncross my legs, pull my skirt further down, clear my throat,my cheeks start to burn all this while,not breaking the eye contact. I am formulating what I should say. Something polite at the same time exuding pure confidence.

Previously I have been in such situations but those 4 words always hit differently. One time I confided in my mother for the perfect answer. She went, ” That’s easy,you should smile and say it’s your weakness!” Seriously? Haha well I won’t go with that. My eldest sister’s advice has always been, “Say;you know” They keep on getting worse. Normally Eve would brush it off (if the compliment is from a friend) with a simple haha and “Stop!” a sluggish prolonged stop,while doing that blushing stunt you twist your fingers,legs and sway from left to right. Of course out of friendly courtesy. Boss Eve has always had a tight line for that confident poise, “Stop or it might go to my head,haha,thank you, you’re too kind” None of that could work at the time, here is a complete stranger and we are not even in an office environ.

“Asanti” (thank you)

Was all my jogging mind could come up with,as I crosssed my fingers praying he would just go! It was now getting uncomfortable. Thank the heavens he didn’t ask for my number.

Most compliments catch us off guard especially the polite ones. That’s fine, at least they are innocent, not offensive and partially welcomed. It would be rude to turn them down.

Then the offensive ones like a guy in the streets saying you have a huge rear(they use more foul and rather aggressive words), can never be welcomed whatsoever. However since these are normally from strangers, the best way to deal with them is to simply ignore. Don’t entertain the compliment nor the giver.

“Your makeup is immaculate” is a good compliment,compared to…”Wow you did your makeup? Mmh I see!.. Like this everyday?…. And it’s allowed at your work place?…Splendid”Hahaha First of all these menacing, crude compliments mostly mean completely opposite of what the person says. Most people don’t catch on them as fast but when one does it’s demotivating. Can’t recommend at all.

Let’s not forget the sexy compliments. Has to be what you’re thinking about…..those that leave you hot,bothered and yearning for more. Should be specifically,perfected and published by yours truly….. ofcourse your partner!

Happy Valentine’s

Compliment someone,even a stranger tell them something good about themselves make #strangermemories.

Heal First

Am on the bus heading home, it’s almost 8 and my notification rings indicating a message. Am starring at the sender’s name and the contents of the message. A glowy feeling erupts from within,am smiling underneath my mask. About to hit the reply button but wait….it felt like deja’ vu I’ve been here before. I silence my phone, before replying, taking in a deep breath. Looking as the lights flash by…..am breaking my promise. Am breaking what I have deeply vowed not to be. You know,there are some promises you make to yourself after an ordeal that you swear you’ll never break no matter what? This was one,to never fall for or like or let someone in again….it was so soon,too soon I thought.

I can’t tell you the number of times,I felt like the sender was pretty dangerous, people you think you know but know nothing about? People who make you feel so comfortable you want to tell them everything? Self built individuals that never biker under whatever kind of pressure? Ofcourse that’s just how we see them but is it always that way? (Let’s call the sender 7)

7 is so kind,never cusses,easy on the eye, simple but underneath all that there is this dominating power they exude,and as a feminist I felt like God,I need to equal that,I need to get a better job,I need to fix my self image, upgrade my studies,get a degree or something just to feel a little bit on the same level.

At some point I would text something only someone in hustles would say or know. And still get a reply, conversations after that……and my mind would go,

“Eve you need to step up! Step up before you start catching feelings. You need to stand up for something, before sailing that boat again.” Am I scared? Is this how it feels like? Should I have brought it up?

And the insecurities would build up more and more. Until one night I said,Rome was not built in one day. If am going to step up, it’s not now,I mean not right now!…..and it felt like I was sliding in too fast. I know I’ve been here before, beaten up, broken,am still fixing myself back,I can’t even bring it up in 7 and i’s conversations I needed not to seem weak. It would be TMI anyways and nobody wants that!

What if my insecurities, both physical and mental scares 7 away? Also it felt like a glitch to the system,I should stick to my lane, people down here and those up there should not be communicating,my network spys probably know that…..I needed to wake up!

One morning like any other day,the ping rang, message in from 7……… I thought, you know what, let’s stop wasting each other’s time,by this time,I sure as hell liked 7. But no,let me be the one to stop this…I never replied and that was that.

Don’t get me wrong, that’s being weak right there, that’s not having the courage to go through something you’re not ready to go through. 7 might not be there when I have picked myself up,we might never meet again but, having to feel like you are already not good enough is wrong. That’s your sub-conscious yelling…’Heal First’ Everything has its own timing I might not get that dream business now or degree. But it doesn’t matter,it doesn’t!…… but having to feel incomplete cause of something or someone,is so damn wrong, yes it might help you shape up, however,you will mess with alot of other people’s lives trying to fix something one would have mended down the line.

Let me tell you, it’s okay! I feel better now, cause that load/pressure is off my mind,off my schedule! It’s okay not to be okay as well,that too will pass. But what the universe won’t tolerate is using others to feel better. Do it yourself,then and only then can nobody use your insecurities against you, your life status against you, your educational level against….. wait am talking about even…..and especially your past!

Some wounds can only be healed by time don’t rob yourself of that peace,calm down the storm,the rest will follow.

One healed human,less toxicity in the streets.

The Best For The Last

Why do people have low traffic blogs? Like this one? I find relief in writing, just noting down something that I want so bad, sticking it next to my bed,or have it as a bookmark or as my wallpaper. Sometimes I can note something down that is stressing me out then tear it up. Or burn it. I find some comfort in that.

This is one of such but worth sharing.

It’s a Sunday just like any other, after mass,had breakfast now chilling. I receive a phone call, in my mind,’I think i know this number’.I let it go to voicemail. I don’t understand how or why people think that other beings have room to accommodate their toxic traits anymore! Dude go to therapy.

This guy person B has the audacity to say, you know I want to marry you,I’ll just come over to your parents talk dowry,do the old traditional introductions, then plan the wedding….. wait to marry my sister or me???? Who gave you the permission to think that I want to get married,and mostly to you? We’ve never dated.I basically don’t know you. These aren’t planned marriages era. And such-like people never take no for an answer they’ll still stick around and find ways to lure you in.

I wonder,so what then what if I decide I won’t get married? Or get married to someone nobody thought I would? Will they stick around? Or what exactly do they want? I can’t say I have a fortune to my name,my account is not reading 6 digits,I can’t say I have an inheritance coming forth. Call it ignorance,arrogance or how ever you think am coming off.

People say you marry your best friend. That guy you go out with,get drank together,do risky stuff together. But is that really how it is? I hear guys say “Yesterday we were with Rose,she is a heavy drinker cleared the whole table,it was very expensive,I pity whoever is going to marry her” What do you mean? She is your girlfriend for C* sake! This is how you know time wasters especially ones who just want fun and more fun! So you won’t marry her,who will? And who do you think you are going to marry? “Oh there is this girl Veronica,she is a Christian, probably a virgin,she is a nice girl,has a crush on me, still single,her mother loves me she would never say no”

These rushed,pity unions are the reasons there are so many homicides happening in our homes. People never take the initiative to clear up those spirits that are rouge and evil. If the union is not cleansed,the offsprings will bear those fruits as well. Heard of the 22year old who massacred his whole family? These spirits are not manifested in a day,they all come from somewhere.

You can’t destroy somebody’s daughter for fun and expect to marry another and live perfectly. Scam! Fruits of your labour must be seen.

What am trying to say is most marriages are rushed off. For example person B is in a situation in his life that he feels,yes am ready for a wife and children cause now am turning thirty. We live in a society where being a lady 25 and above not married,no children,is seen as a failure. A bachelor in his late 20s and early 30s is seen as a failure. “At least get a kid then if you are not going to get married” they say. Those single fathers and mothers are encouraging sugar mammys, sugar daddy’s and sponsors into the society why? Cause they need financial support.

We Are Not Trophies

How about those that get married cause he got his side chiq pregnant? Lord that lady will have to be patient because that man will never settle wherever she brings the moon or riches from heaven.

No one should be treated as a trophy, people should work on whatever they want. You want to marry a virgin? Date that one girl, abstain, work towards your goals and let the rest fall in place later. Don’t just wake up,I want a virgin after having taken hundreds of girls,We Are Not Trophies!!

You want to get married at 30? Date somebody before hand, don’t rush in. We Are Not Trophies!!

You want to have fun with Rose then marry Veronica cause she is what…c’mon! We Are Not Trophies!!

Good things take time. Saving the best for last am sure is not how relationships especially marriage and holy unions work. One has to work for it, eventually….eventually!

Getting married is an option, most of our parents aren’t even married. Then again noone wants to live alone.

Together.

Everytime I see a couple on the streets I stare way longer than is appropriate. I silently wonder,to what extent have they known each other,do they know what the other loves? Does he still love her during her menses? How many times have they quaralled today? Does she know he has a side chiq? Does he have a side chiq? Is her best guy friend still around? How does he cope with that? And their jobs? Do they talk about it often? And why her above all ladies he has meet?The questions keep going and going until something else destructs my train of thoughts.

Someone once told me, don’t date someone if you don’t see him or her as your future partner. You’ll simply be wasting each other’s time. But then again how will you know who to spend your life with if there is no dating? Haha see? A bit complicated….

However,I think some unions and relationships are great, healthy and ever growing. Perfect examples of what everyone should have but that’s not the case, clearly!

Saw a quote today saying ‘ Your children are not going to choose their parents so they are depending on you to do it. Choose wisely’ Where are ‘they’ to choose from?…..most either have other kids they are supporting out of wedlock, struggling with mental issues, bachelors and spinsters who are obsessed with casuals,drug addicts,sad that the list is endless but you get my point.

Noone is perfect,I know am not! Though perfection is not the drill here it’s perseverance,courage and patience to work on the choosen relationships. Choosen cause one has options to throw effort on a dead plant or to grow another plant, whichever suits the carrier.

Now,you tell me how long does it take until your found, married,parented partner to realise that you’re not the soulmate? Huh? How long does it take them to fall out of love? To decide,no I need that divorce? Yes to ‘i’ll disappoint my mother although I know he loves him like a son?’ Were you even there when you two started courting? …mmmh? Were you zoned out?

Frankly I think infidelity and abuse should be the only two reasons divorce can be filed. What do you think? Or what happened to you to take that divorce? Wasn’t it until death does you apart?

Hey, don’t dare call me negative, you’ve been around right? seen & heard it all like I have? No? Yes? Then help me understand,with all that and more going…..(don’t mention intimacy… hahaha I saw that!) how would one want to be partnered to marriage?

Age….. what now?

It’s been more than a year since my last internship,and boy has it been hard. At some point I feel like my life is swimming on its own, following a direction I can’t quite tell.

Late last year I thought I just about found the right job and I would be sticking to it,but that came to a dead end quick. Getting into 2020 felt like the start of something new,the marketing job was going great,then Rona happened.

Am now torn in between finding myself and securing a good job. The question I keep on asking myself is,am I getting too old too fast? Are there ages to success? If yes,am I still on the track or too late? How about family wise, should I be dating already? And what kind of pedegree?

‘No one is designed to be alone’ aaammh! Hold up,what if they’re dead?

No one is doubtful about marriages and relationships than somebody who is single! We will say no to coffee dates, can I get to know you questions,new contacts,and above all ‘when will I see you?’ It’s thrilling and crazy all at once. Then again,i don’t want to be alone….lol

I want to run North and South at a go. Funny thing is, it’s something you can’t really talk about cause it’s all up in the head. All one can do is filter what is getting in and out. ‘You’re no longer a teenager, the game needs to step up a notch.’ But how? Where?

Crying behind closed doors is the new adult leisure activity,we are somewhat missing something,but what is it? Do we need more time?More know-how? Or is it that the society is now our pace setters? Get a job at 20?start a family at 22? Children at 23? Succeed before 30? Is this it? Is our life on a timer?

Wait,am halfway past those ages!

Stop the train…….

Broken

Like shattered glass; that is the feeling in mind when walking through the cities of this world. One feels like going back and restarting again. You feel numb at times where love and care are foreign themes,then that tag conveincing pull to end it all takes toll and it keeps on going until you can no longer control it.

Over thinking is bad? Naaah that’s just the morning glory. You wake up with it spend the day with it,and it helps you lay in bed at night constantly wondering where it’s all planning to take you.

The high road has it’s bumps but with a mental issue at hand,it feels like crawling up a rocky mountain.

But then when you get to the highs! Aaah life feels so good,those ugly creaping thoughts seem from another world. The cheers, the merry,the socialising,to new friends who absolutely help you with Nothing! Keeps you on that level for a bit.

Then when they start to wake up, you want to loose weight,oh that fat developing at the hip needs to go!

That hair needs a re-do,

I need to make more money,

I need to cut this guy I kainda like off,

I need to dress better,

I need to talk better,

I need a check up.

What’s that? The bills?…and those thoughts go down the drain as quickly as they began.

At times you wonder will it ever stop? Should I be medicated? Do I need help? Then shyt works out makes you feel better, now the highs start again and the cycle begins.

It feels like being drunk,but then, I wouldn’t know.

The Book Of Ruth.


There is this lady that really loves reading the Bible,not that it’s bad. It’s actually healthy and feeds positively to our spiritual lives.

She stops reading her phone application Bible,stares to my direction and I look up. She then smiles and asks me “Do you know Ruth? The daughter-in-law to Naomi?”

Am like “Yeah from the Bible?”

This lady is my elder,the same age as my mother therefore i keep the comments pg,minus sarcasm so the exchange is respectful.

She narrates how,Bo’az was talking to the elders about buying the piece of land from Naomi. See,what was amusing to her was how Ruth was being referred to as ‘a piece of land’. But wait a minute, am thinking to myself, that’s not it I don’t remember anything like that. Anyway I listen to her story and her explanations based on her own views and commentary.

When I get home,i take the Bible, straight to the book of Ruth. As I read through,I fail to understand why her story is in the Bible. And learn also, that the land thisĀ  lady was talking about isn’t Ruth as in a parable. The Bible clearly states that it was actually a geographical piece of land owned by Naomi’s kinsmen or her husband’s side of the family, therefore Bo’az had to buy it together with making Ruth his wife so that she may not be lost from the ‘family’


……that the land this lady was talking about isn’t Ruth as in a parable.


In the morning I ask my mum , “Why is the book of Ruth in the Bible?” And she answers; the fact that Ruth accepted to go with Naomi even after her husband and two sons’ died (one being Ruth’s husband) in addition to her getting married to a noble man and how she helped her family is the reason she is in the Bible.

The true and noble answer from my point, now that I have fully read the book is: Bo’az and Ruth’s children were in the lineage of King David to whom Jesus Christ is a descendant. Then some few bonuses to my mum’s theory.

Acts of kindness and bold moves might get you to places and ranks you never thought possible. Never tire to do good,not because it benefits you but because it is the right thing to do.


Give the book a re-read see what you think!

Out of my league.

Am sure there is that one person you’ve meet, probably started messing around and definitely like. But you know deep down he/she is a 10 and you’re waaay below that. It’s not about negativity here, let’s be real. Or meet that ideal person, you’re like yes,tick that,that too, well we can forgive this,tick….eeeeheeem. Those ‘we can forgive this’ are the critical issues. Giving a blind eye that he is not a Christian or is a drunkard, abusive…but not all the time and oh he will come around is the problem here.

Personally when the red flags start to blow, packing and going is the way to go. When they start to let you know that they are better than you, their paycheck and life class is over and above yours. Honey, leave!

Noone, absolutely no one is allowed to make you feel less of who you are. It’s called self esteem,if they are not building you, helping you up;clearly you are out of their league cause they can’t handle the heat,not the other way around.